A Monday I'd Like To Forget But Will Remember Forever
AS VAGUE AS I CAN KEEP IT: Cuz shit, I don’t know how to put this stuff on here, or if I even should? I’ll give it a shot: Spent the day in the Emergency Room today.
I had a weird shoulder pain thing that started Saturday morning, that when I’d inhale a big ol’ breath, would ignite a jolt of pain at the top of my shoulders, and sorta down into my ribs on my right side. A pulled muscle? Or, something WAY scarier?
After a couple days of waiting for it to subside, I threw the towel in this morning, sweatpanted it up and headed over to the E.R. on 47th. One Google too many freaked me out pretty good and I just had to go in and see what the deal was. They got me right in and into the little ass-less drape things they make you wear. Always awesome. I told the nurse then the E.R. doc my little story and they nodded calmly, gave each other a couple looks and laid out a course of events. “Might be a pulled muscle, but, we want to rule out all the scary stuff…” is what the doc said. Something like that. Due to my size, history of high blood pressure in the Draplin family, and probably the frantic, fearful look on my face, they wanted to give me a thorough once-over.
Over the course of the day I enjoyed the following activities:
01. BLOOD DRAWN. I’m HORRIBLY afraid of needles, so this was a bad scene. And just as a bonus, the gal got the needle in, only to miss the vein by a smidge. Just my luck. The second time, she hit my plumbing and got that dipstick in. HARROWING. Just not down with needles but took it like the 38-year-old-8-year-old I was at that moment, scared shitless and wishing there was a beaver’s tail or horse hoof to bite down on.
02. CHEST X-RAY: The first look at my innards. Lungs and heart stuff, you know? This was kinda fun. Always amazed by this old and vital technology.
03. EXISTENTIAL, NIGHTMARISH DAYDREAMS: There goes that imagination of mine, taking over and taking my pea brain high into the cosmos exploring scenarios likes, “What the fuck are they going to find in me?” and “Is this the start of something really, really bad?” and “Who gets my records if I don’t make it?” and other self-induced, anxious explorations. Just fucking freaking out. The worst part of the day. Brain still hurts from these little waiting periods in between each test.
04. CATSCAN: I don’t like cats. I’ll just go and call them “dogscans” from here on out. My own deal. Anyhoo, the process of whatever stuff they pump into that I.V., and how it warms you up, balls first, then yer behind, then yer back…as if you were dipped in an inch of hot liquid was equal parts surreal, numbing and off-putting. I couldn’t help but feel a little “2001: A Space Odyssey-ish” inside that whirling machine. Fascinating.
05. EKG EKG EKG EKG EKG: This was awesome. The little stickers. The little jumper cables. The printouts. Just incredible. What a fucking world.
06. VISITS FROM THE DOC AFTER EACH STEP: This is where time would slow down, speed up and stop, all in the same second. Fully paralyzed at what was gonna come out of the guy. Thankfully, I got good reviews. My lungs looked good. My heart had a good, sound thump. No weird pulmonary stuff. My blood got a good review. Phew. Fucking pheeeewwwww. He said I was free to go, gave me a run down if anything weirder came up, etc. I thanked the man and welled up. Such a kind guy who was so gentle with this big, pile of mush. Thank you, sir.
07. THE REMOVAL OF THE I.V. FROM THE ARM: The nurse ripped that tape off without so much as a micro warning, completely freaking me out. Youch! Seeing that tube inserted into crotch of my elbow was pretty rough. Just a little plastic tube. Invasive. Nauseating. Foreign. I couldn’t deal and had to look away as the gal removed it and gauzed me up.
08. TEARS OF RELIEF: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I lost my shit on the way out, walking up to pretty Leigh. Not afraid to put that on here. So relieved everything was cool, and the day was done. Thank you to Leigh for waiting for me all day. To Mom and Dad for concerned texts from their perch in Sellwood at Leah’s house. To Aunt Mary and Leah for thinking about me. To the only bro I told anything to, Lovejoy.
Way relieved. Got some Vicodin and Ibuprofen to battle the shoulder pain.
The DDC is closed for a couple days, until further notice.
