Photo by some nice gal running around MCAD.

A NEW YEAR, AND WITHOUT MY DAD: I’m usually pretty fired up to tear into it. Not this time around. Instead, I want to go back to October 13th.

This “losing your dad†bullshit is a real drag.

In all honesty, shit’s pretty bleak. Dad added so much color, laughter and wit to my world. With him out of the picture, shit feels real dark. Sorta lifeless.

Sure, everyone’s had incredible things to say. Soothing, poetic stuff. Thank you to all who have reached out. I love ya and appreciate the heartfelt sentiment. But at the end of the day, there’s a big fuckin’ hole in Northern Michigan, and in my heart.

I don’t like thinking about it. So I medicate myself with projects and whatever else. That’s how people do it, right?

I find myself wondering where he is. Did he go up to heaven? Is his energy dispersed equally throughout the universe, whirling around each and every molecule? Maybe he’s just everywhere?Those are the hopeful scenarios.

The darker shit included thoughts of finality. Say you just die, and that’s it? I mean, where does an ant’s soul go with you step on the little guy? To ant heaven? Somewhere else? Or is the little shit just snubbed out and that’s that? I guess I’m kinda okay with both. I was raised Catholic, so I’ve got those superstitions pounded into me somewhere. I like the idea of Dad being with his mom and dad and everyone else who we’ve lost. Up there in heaven with Gramma Josie and Gramma Leo. That soothes.

I just miss the idea of my dad a phone call away. That’s where he was for me the last twenty years. I fought hard to get home to see them 3-4 times a year. But he was always a phone call away. Even if he didn’t know how to answer his fuckin’ cell phone. I’d call Mom and she’d rustle Dad up. Having that one gone hurts.