CALLED OUT BY A REAL BEARDY BUCHINO: Straight from the hairy, drooling, beardy wordhole of Michael “Bardstown” Buchino: “Draplin also has a terrible beard. Patchy. Not really a goatee, not really a full natural. Weak and lopsided. Like Comic Sans, this beard just doesn’t seem well thought through. Yet, this a-hole goes around flaunting it, showing it to anyone who looks his way.”

The guy has a way with words! Here’s the review, in all its hairy glory.

Sorry beardists, I do my best in the whisker department. I don’t shave. I don’t sculpt. I just let it go and grow, as wild as it will, with the occasional trim from my dog clippers. Insider info.

Buchino wasn’t as hard on my dad, and that’s a good thing. My old man would snap that Kentucky moonshiner like a twig.

Tell you what, Buchino: Show up on the DDC Factory Floor and we’ll show you want a large man with a patchy beard can do! And bring a rag to mop up the mess we make with you. Oh yeah, nice face.

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ABOUT THE HIRSUTE IMAGE ABOVE: That’s a t-shirt by the Matthew Carroll! A friend of the DDC Factory Floor! Did some time with him at Cinco half a decade ago. You should buy that shirt. Here’s yer chance, beardmasters. Oh yeah, just because: Peter Yue for life!

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FROM DEEP IN THE WOODS: Speaking of hairy faces… Smokey the Bear over the years, and then a new logo.

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FOR OUR TWO-WHEELED PEDAL-PUSHER BUDDIES: The Sturmey-Archer Heritage Product Archive! And there’s a whole lot of them in there. Big, beautiful PDFs, of the catalogs scanned in and stuff. So nice. It’s all there. Wow. Check out this spare parts kit. Things were just better back then. (Thank you, Matt Freed. Good catch!)

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NO BEARD REQUIRED: The good people of Coudal Partners are on the hunt for some help, and that lucky hire will have their hands real deep in Field Notes, so, you know, that’s where we come into the picture. Make us proud!

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BIG BEARD MUFF, ON THE PLAYER:

01. Bonnie “Prince” Billy - Beware
02. Midlake - The Courage of Others
03. Built To Spill - Ultimate Alternative Wavers