OWNING THAT SHIT: If you are eight and read this halfwit blog, chanceS are you are doing it under the radar of yer parent’s watchful eye. That said, if you eight, coming up on big Halloween years, you need to read this: Jeremy Firth lays it down regarding Halloween.

Makes me want to be young again.

In fact, thinking back on Halloween, I remember the first year I didn’t go out. It was hard. I tried to play it cool answering the door and stuff. It wasn’t cool. I missed those leave-filled sidewalks and that pillowcase. Man, we’d slay it too.

Hey Firth, you forgot one rule! You know the house where the people aren’t in town, and just leave a light on with a big bowl of candy? Maybe a sign saying something like, “Happy Halloween! Grab a piece and have a safe night!” Well, here’s what you do: Depending on how many guys you are with, you simply grab the bowl and dump it evenly into each dude’s bag. Done. Leave that bowl as empty as possible. Then maybe kick the sign over and scram.

HALLOWE’EN RULE #12: Never leave the “take a piece bowl” empty! EVER!

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IN A UNIVERSE, CLOSE CLOSE BY, IN THE SAME YEAR: I was Chewbacca, too! Same costume. Wow. I remember how the edges of the mask’s holes were sharp, and how they chewed up yer face. That and ripping the shit out of the plastic in the ass end of the costume. Little kid stuff, you know?

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THE BULLSEYE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD: CSA did Halloween the best for Target. That shit was awesome. I can’t help but be a little mad when I see their Halloween stuff each year after, and how it pales in comparison. I’m a little biased, of course.