Over at Etsy, the main page has a mountain of dachshund stuff for sale.

Here’s why: The dachshund is the superior breed, in the canine section, in the animal kingdom. Facts are stubborn things, folks.

But, you knew that. Let’s get some shit straight, folks:

01. Sure, they are cute, but that doesn’t mean they are nice. Gary’s been on a mean streak the last couple days. Mean like a viper, colder than a mother-in-law’s love. Damn.

02. Sure, they are long , but that doesn’t mean they are any more “handy” with any plumbing or “ferreting out” issues that might arise.

03. Sure, they loyal, but, hell, Gary’ll “cut and run” at a moment’s notice, and, that usually involves chasing some flea-bit neighborhood feline down the street, in the middle of the night, barking as if he just discovered that he could bark, rousing the whole fucking neighborhood from it’s slumber.

I’ve been seeing a lot of weiner dog activity out there, and, all I can think is, “Man, those fuckers are in for it.” Gary’s given me a run for my money in so many departments. Recently, it was chewing a little hole in my duvet cover. Oh, the horror. (Barkingly sent in by MMO-L. Thanks.)

“Aw, cute.” + “Aw, cute.” + “Kinda cute, but, questionable.”

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And, for the record: WE NEVER USE THE WORD, “CUTE.” Ever.

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Some North Carolinians we’ve been listening to a whole bunch: The Avett Brothers. Very beardy, much like the south, and, a million Confederate soldiers who weren’t gonna take any lip from some Yankee halfwit.

The Mason Dixon line is a fascinating line, steeped in controversy, but, we’ll tell you this much: There are a lot of beards down under that line.

Louisville is a very beardy town. Seriously. Hoss, grow something, for fuck’s sake.

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(WARNING: This content is a bit shocking, but, then again, so is the complete sham that is “President” George Bush.)

PURE GUTS: Patrick O’Brien, hero, champion and freedom fighter protests in front of the White House. Bush’s superstitious anti-stem cell legislation is affecting too many people. Time to be a little more “earthbound” with our decision making, and keep the ghouls and spirits to ourselves.

Bravo, Patrick, bravo. Some guts you have, some guts. An inspiration.

Please donate to the Patrick O’Brien Foundation.