01. NAME: Gary Longfellow Draplin.

02. AKC NUMBER: HP14334901.

03. BREED: Dachshund.

04. SIZE: Miniature.

05. SEX: Male.

06. COLOR: Red.

07. PMS SPEC: Pantone 174.

08. SIRE: Hugo Von Longfellow.

09. DAM: Mi Darlin Twinkie Jo.

10. BREEDER: Dana Jesperson.

11. BIRTHPLACE: Deep, deep Southeast Portland.

12. GARYDAY: December 28th, 2004, of all days.

13. LENGTH: Little over a foot.

14. WIDTH: “A little thinner than the diameter of a compact disc,” or, “about a piece of salami.” You
choose.

15. HEIGHT: Little over half a foot, at the top of his head. At his back, he’s no more that four inches.

16. WEIGHT: 7.5 lbs.

17. COAT: Smooth, soft, clean, and, the little sonofabitch doesn’t shed.

18. HEART: Strong, pure, brave and warm.

19. DEMEANOR: Protective and loud, then friendly and trusting.

20. HANDLING: Loves to be held. A cuddler, and, lover of laps.

21. BARK: Bone-rattling, shrill, jet airplane, eardrum death and fucking really loud.

22. NA-NA, SEEP-SEEP: Lots. The little man gets pooped.

23. SNIPPAGE: Officially “ball-less” and doing quite rather well, circumstances pending.

24. HUMPERAGE: Somewhat reserved, every now and again the little man “gets his groove on,” usually on an unsuspecting ankle or shin.

25. SHOTS: Parvo, Rabies, and whatever else the vet deemed necessary.

26. CHOWTIME: IAMS brand, in the green bag, for small dogs. We administer a little over a cup/cup-and-a-half a day.

27. WATERING: Ice-cold tap water.

28. HOUSEBREAKING: Stubborn and sneaky. Lots of 409 being sprayed, all over the ranch. He’s a hard case. We’re determined to break the little fucker once and for all.

29. #1: After a couple x-rays, the vet determined Gary only had one kidney for his plumbing. That said, the little man seems to have to go all the time.

30. #2: Small, brownish to black, resembling a tootise roll. (The larger one.)